SalomeJustitia

New direction.

So, it looks like I'm going to be needing a new title for my blog ...

After much soul-searching and discussion, I have made the decision to withdraw from law school and return to the working world - where, I'm not sure yet, but now is the time to move on.  I know!  I'm feeling a lot of things right now, but mostly excitement to start the next phase of my life.  In my heart, I have known for some time that I didn't actually want to be a lawyer.  But I have so many things I am passionate about, and now I need to figure out how to incorporate the things I truly love and am good at into my working life.  I knew that if I didn't go ahead and take this jump (with no safety net!) I would simply stay out of habit.  So big changes are afoot, and I'm sure I'll have plenty to say on the subject in the upcoming weeks.  As for now, my dancing is going to stay the same - maybe I'll even get to take a few more classes now that I have joined the ranks of the unemployed!

In the meantime, how about nominations for new blog titles?  I think I'd like to keep the Salome, but maybe incorporate a ballroom element.  SalomeSamba, in a nod to Tonya?  Or something with a Shimmy in it?  That covers bellydance and Latin - hmm, I like that a lot, maybe I'll run with that.  Who has ideas?

Bad feet.

There is a running joke between me and my parents that I got the worst qualities from both of them - Mom's allergies and prematurely grey hair; Pop's migraines and crooked teeth, etc.  Most of these I have fixed with hair dye, orthodontia, and pharmacuticals, but there is one inherited feature that I can do nothing about - my feet.  How frustrating when I've always loved dancing so much to have the infamous "bad feet."

I suppose I should be happy I'm here to have bad feet at all; after all, it was the flat-footedness I inherited that kept my father out of the military back in the day.  But I lived many years of my life with a woman with almost perfect feet.  My mother is very proud of her feet, and I do have to say (and occasionally she insists we all do) that they are beautiful, a model of what feet should be.  I've been with her on multiple occasions when total strangers come up to her to tell her what beautiful feet she has, and her wide array of sandals and perfect pedicures showcase them even more.  So I have a touch of a complex; I worship at the altar of perfect feet.

Not so much at the end of these here pins.  It's the arch that really creates a beautiful foot, and I have unfortunately weak arches.  Oh, I cover it up - years of training my feet in pointe shoes means I know how to point my foot to create the illusion of more arch, and the vertiginous heels I'm fond of wearing prevent my ankles from pronating when I walk.  But I know.  And I haven't done much to make them more attractive.  Take the bad feet base and layer on toes broken multiple times, callouses upon callouses, and ever since I started Latin dancing, consistently chipped pedicures (it's the dragging that does it!).  It all adds up to a bit of a mess.  But as my mother used to say, "you can't see the spots on a galloping horse."  So if I keep them moving fast enough, maybe you and I both won't notice their flaws, and only see the dancing.

Bonita.

As Reyna put it, I need to get over my shimmy hump.  I don't know what it is, but I just cannot loosen up enough to really shimmy smoothly while doing other steps - at least, not without everything else going, too.  And I have good isolation in other aspects of my dancing, so what gives?

I could take a cue from the fantastic flamenca I saw tonight, Carmen Salao.  Dancing for over 40 years, and she looks terrific and can MOVE so fast ...  I guess it's true that dancing keeps you young.  Unlike my last trip to La Nacional, this time the early show was almost empty, so we had seats right up front.  I didn't know where to look - her feet or her face, because she had a really playful, flirtatious style - not the smoldering, intense look of most flamencas.  She's considered one of the jewels of the old style, and I can see why.  She sang, played castanets, and danced (sometimes all at the same time), and I have to say, I've never seen anyone play castanets like that - all over her body, the floor - amazing.  Well, I'm inspired.  And if I could get my hips to move half as fast as her feet, I might just make it over this shimmy hump.

Shift.

Change of plans.  Reyna was given two options for Rakkasah: dance on the cabaret stage with our own taped music, or the main stage with a live band.  The cabaret stage only holds five, and we know from Rakkasah East how hard it is for a troupe to dance with a live band, even if totally awesome, and especially for an extended troupe performance.  So Reyna chose to cancel the Rakkasah trip.  Disappointing, but also a relief, because it was going to be really hard to fit in all the rehearsals and a trip to California in the middle of the semester.  And we don't have to do the fundraiser in February, either, so pressure is officially off.  We're still planning a big show in NYC in the spring sometime, but we have a lot more time to work on the choreography (and maybe even get the Amani El Omr piece finished - fingers crossed!).

And, the ballroom showcase was moved back from mid-April to the first week of May.  Three extra weeks of rehearsal!  Huzzah!  I'm glad I don't have any finals this semester (I think; I'll find out for sure next week, I guess), because the show is the Monday after my last Friday of classes.  This means no procrastination - my final papers have to be in EARLY so I can relax and dance my best.

Relax seems to be the name of the game.  My mind is much more relaxed then it has been, as winter break has been blissful and grades were better than expected.  Getting my body to relax is a different story.  I'm definitely having more fun, since I'm not so down, but I want my body to be down, sending energy into the floor.  It appears I'm putting my feet down in the right place at the right time, but I'm staying so pulled up-up-up that I'm not sinking into my hip which finishes the movement and fills out the music.  So, something to work on.  Maybe I should download the Frankie Goes to Hollywood song onto my iPod and play it on a loop.

Agita.

So,  it's official.  I'm nervous about all the upcoming performances.  I've actually been having a hoot (thanks, Mom, for all the Midwesternisms) with the cha-cha lately.  Since I've been away from school I feel so much like myself again, and am remembering to have FUN, which surprise, surprise, makes me a better dancer.  I feel like it's starting to come together, and we've got down the first cha-cha part and marked the salsa break, which will be finalized next week.  BUT, that means back in front of Tony to finish the end choreography, so I know I'll lose all ability and fall over myself.  Still, fun, and I do have until April to finally do it up to full speed!

The bellydance choreography is not going quite as well.  The girls are all back save one, and the six of us going out to California have been chosen, as have the two dances we'll be doing.  The Amani El Omr veil piece is not going to be ready, which is heartbreaking because I love it and I thought I was fairly strong in it.  Instead we'll be doing a Zambra, which is exciting but nerve-wracking (though I do get to live out my flamenco fantasies) and the drum solo all the other girls know perfectly and I'm trying to learn via DVD - though the others are taking pity on me and helping me out after class.  I can pretend March is far away, but this airfare-raising student showcase in February is weighing on my mind.  All of the others performed in the big annual show last spring, and so have routines to do, but me?  Who knows?

In better news, still no soda has passed these lips, though I wanted one after class tonight!  Been allowing myself tea for a little caffeine kick, but yea! resolution kept.

New steps rumoured!

When I was dancing ballet, I knew all the steps.  Sure, not each one was perfect (was any one perfect?), but yell out a step and I could immediately dance it.  The fun, and the creativity, was in the way those steps were put together.  The dancing was really in the transitions by the time I left ballet.

I'm remembering what it was like before I'd reached that point, when my teacher would demonstrate a new step and tell us the name, then break it down slowly and help us through it.  That was such an amazing experience, all of us working together to "get it."  There would be no competition in those moments - that would come later - but just all of us in awe of this new, fantastic thing we wanted our bodies to do.

The last few weeks, bellydance class has been quite small, as many of the girls are off visiting family across the country and abroad.  I've been one of three for the past two weeks, and I'm so glad I've been making it into the city for these classes.  The personal attention has been amazing, and Reyna has been really happy with my performance.  But even better is that with such a small class, there's a lot more play involved.  Reyna will turn to me and say, "Look, try this."  And there I am, 10 years old in pink tights and new toe shoes again, saying "What is that?" and "Show me again?"  Practicing in the mirror at home, spinning and spinning until I'm dizzy, in love with a new step.

Resolve.

As 2007 fast approaches, I look forward to the next twelve months in my dancing life.  My one true goal for this upcoming year is to stretch.  Stretch my body and stretch my mind.  Expand past the bonds that constrain me – stress, fear, insecurity, habit – and allow my dancing to grow.

What are New Year’s resolutions but desires to push yourself further than the year before?  In this next year, I resolve to feel boundless.  I resolve to stop saying I can’t and start saying I will, with practice and dedication.  I resolve to treat my body better and provide it with healthy fuel. I resolve to open myself to more varieties of dance to provide me with inspiration in my genres.  I resolve to be fearless and be willing to fall.  I resolve to let out the various parts of my personality.  I resolve to see the humor and fun in dance.

But what generalities!  In 2007 I will:

*  Perform in spaces bigger than my bedroom and in front of people besides the person in the mirror.  With my bellydance troupe I will be attending Rakkasah West, and I want to perform my best.  I want Reyna to trust that I will know the choreography down pat, perform it full-out, and be a positive reflection on her teaching skills.  I also don’t want to be put in the back, so really working it at class is necessary to demonstrate my “front line” potential!  This year I also want to get up the nerve to bellydance solo.  We’re doing a showcase to raise money for our trip, and I’d like to perform a short solo routine, hopefully giving me the courage to seek out solo performance opportunities over the course of the year.  I'll be performing Latin ballroom for the first time this year, as I’ve signed on to do the studio showcase in the early spring, and I’m not backing out!  I want to feel comfortable with my routine and start to develop some ease of Latin movement.  I want Tony to recognize his choreography and for Michael to not feel like my life raft, but like a dance partner. And for all of these performances, I want to have no concerns about inviting people I love to come and see.  I love to talk to those around me about my dancing, but I get nervous allowing them to see me dance.  I'd like for my performances this year to have those I love watching in the audience.

*  Increase my practice time.  Time is at a premium in my life, and dance classes are expensive.  Still, even if I can't increase my studio time, I'd like to increase my flexibility, including getting down into the splits again. This means taking the time to warm up and stretch at home every day.  I also want to feel no guilt about taking dance class when busy at school. Dancing is an important escape for me, and I need to acknowledge that I will be a better student when I am a more well-rounded person.  I'd also like to get over some of my fear of the unknown and take drop-in classes at studios around the city to challenge myself and make sure I'm not falling into any ruts or patterns.

*  Watch more dance.  I think looking back over this blog proves that when I witness a dance performance that moves me, I am inspired in my own efforts.  So I hope to see more dance performances, this year, especially performances outside of the genres I am usually attracted to.

*  Stay positive.  This is a two-pronged effort for me.  I'm glad I looked back over 2006 and accentuated the positive, because I have a tendency to get very down on myself and my abilities.  I want to learn to accept compliments and criticism equally, instead of always dismissing complimentary comments as "just being nice."  I want to take pride in my increase in skill, instead of always focusing on what is left to learn.  I want to have a healthy body image and not fret about not having the ideal body for whatever genre, which leads into letting all the old ballet hang-ups and negativity go and just moving on as a person meant to do a different type of dance.  Dancing is fun, and I want to have a lot of it this next year!

Reflect.

2006 has certainly been a turning point in my dance life.  It was the year I came back to dance again as an outlet and a passion.  In this year I advanced from beginning bellydancer to troupe member, and while I'm still "the new girl" and behind on some abilities, I think I have proven myself to my teacher and fellow dancers to be dedicated and desireous to keep learning and improving.  I've gotten a nice start on the zills and I think I look pretty good with a veil (although I have to hem my commercially-made ones - not made for shorties!).

In the latter part of this year I found a ballroom studio that suits me and pushes me to tap into a part of dancing and body movement very foreign to me (funny that the Western ballroom style feels more foreign than the Middle Eastern movement).  I was frustrated today (as always, my comprehension is doing laps around by movement ability) and Michael pointed out that I've only had about 20 hours of lessons - "I dance that much in two days," he said.  That's a good way to gain perspective.  I'm proud of how far I've come in "two days."  In "two days" I learned the basic patterns of the waltz, foxtrot, jive, rumba, salsa, hustle, and I'm actually getting decent at the cha-cha.  In "two days" I learned half a routine that I'm going to perform in the spring.

This year I discovered a dance/performance scene in New York I had known almost nothing about.  I've watched some amazing women fight back against society's image of the ideal female form and proudly strut and shimmy and shake.

I embraced my true dance fan (dork?) and reached out to others.  I started this blog and electronically met some truly gifted, supremely funny, and always passionate dancers across the country and throughout the world.  I've exchanged ideas, discussed failures and triumphs big and small.

It's certainly been a year: I danced at Rakkasah and didn't fall off the stage, I met Tony and Melanie and didn't turn into a blubbering idiot, I was bestowed with a burlesque name (though I haven't yet used it!) and I braved the web.  I expected too much of myself and occasionally lived up to my own expectations.  I started to let my old ballet hang-ups go.  I remembered that dance is fun, and I had a hell of a lot of it.  I can't wait to see what new dance adventures next year will bring.

Alive.

Finals are finally winding down and I seem to have made it out alive.  One more take-home exam and I'm all done and get to go to NJ for some R&R and lots of blogging, I'm sure.  I wish finals didn't take such a toll on me, however.  I haven't been my dancing self lately, and I had to pull out of a gig last Friday (I was replaced without a hitch, so no harm done) because I felt I just couldn't put myself out there as a representative of my teacher when I was so "off."  Hopefully a new year will bring a new perspective and energy.  More on reflection and resolutions to come ...

Crick.

I hadn't realized how much I was using dance as a liferaft to get me through the neverending suffering that is law school finals until the old neck problems reared up again.  After being totally immobilized Saturday, I felt much better Sunday and after a good night's sleep provided me by what is probably a dangerous dose of Advil, I thought I was ready to do a double bellydance class Monday night.  Everything was going well, until I went down into a backbend and my neck just went back into full tense mode.  I finished the second class basically marking anything where my head wasn't directly over my shoulders, looking quite automatronic.

Woke up this morning and knew I wasn't back to normal yet, but I really didn't want to miss my lesson with Michael, so I wrapped a scarf around my neck to keep it warm and headed out.  Got through the lesson, but expended so much energy trying not to exacerbate the injury that it was hard to focus on what I was supposed to be doing.  On the bright side, we did get through more of the choreography for the showcase, so that's coming along slowly but surely.

Not dancing full out for the last few days hasn't provided me with the release I'm used to.  I'm seeing obstacles instead of challenges.  I hope I'm back up to speed soon (early Christmas wish, Santa?).