SalomeJustitia

New steps rumoured!

When I was dancing ballet, I knew all the steps.  Sure, not each one was perfect (was any one perfect?), but yell out a step and I could immediately dance it.  The fun, and the creativity, was in the way those steps were put together.  The dancing was really in the transitions by the time I left ballet.

I'm remembering what it was like before I'd reached that point, when my teacher would demonstrate a new step and tell us the name, then break it down slowly and help us through it.  That was such an amazing experience, all of us working together to "get it."  There would be no competition in those moments - that would come later - but just all of us in awe of this new, fantastic thing we wanted our bodies to do.

The last few weeks, bellydance class has been quite small, as many of the girls are off visiting family across the country and abroad.  I've been one of three for the past two weeks, and I'm so glad I've been making it into the city for these classes.  The personal attention has been amazing, and Reyna has been really happy with my performance.  But even better is that with such a small class, there's a lot more play involved.  Reyna will turn to me and say, "Look, try this."  And there I am, 10 years old in pink tights and new toe shoes again, saying "What is that?" and "Show me again?"  Practicing in the mirror at home, spinning and spinning until I'm dizzy, in love with a new step.

Resolve.

As 2007 fast approaches, I look forward to the next twelve months in my dancing life.  My one true goal for this upcoming year is to stretch.  Stretch my body and stretch my mind.  Expand past the bonds that constrain me – stress, fear, insecurity, habit – and allow my dancing to grow.

What are New Year’s resolutions but desires to push yourself further than the year before?  In this next year, I resolve to feel boundless.  I resolve to stop saying I can’t and start saying I will, with practice and dedication.  I resolve to treat my body better and provide it with healthy fuel. I resolve to open myself to more varieties of dance to provide me with inspiration in my genres.  I resolve to be fearless and be willing to fall.  I resolve to let out the various parts of my personality.  I resolve to see the humor and fun in dance.

But what generalities!  In 2007 I will:

*  Perform in spaces bigger than my bedroom and in front of people besides the person in the mirror.  With my bellydance troupe I will be attending Rakkasah West, and I want to perform my best.  I want Reyna to trust that I will know the choreography down pat, perform it full-out, and be a positive reflection on her teaching skills.  I also don’t want to be put in the back, so really working it at class is necessary to demonstrate my “front line” potential!  This year I also want to get up the nerve to bellydance solo.  We’re doing a showcase to raise money for our trip, and I’d like to perform a short solo routine, hopefully giving me the courage to seek out solo performance opportunities over the course of the year.  I'll be performing Latin ballroom for the first time this year, as I’ve signed on to do the studio showcase in the early spring, and I’m not backing out!  I want to feel comfortable with my routine and start to develop some ease of Latin movement.  I want Tony to recognize his choreography and for Michael to not feel like my life raft, but like a dance partner. And for all of these performances, I want to have no concerns about inviting people I love to come and see.  I love to talk to those around me about my dancing, but I get nervous allowing them to see me dance.  I'd like for my performances this year to have those I love watching in the audience.

*  Increase my practice time.  Time is at a premium in my life, and dance classes are expensive.  Still, even if I can't increase my studio time, I'd like to increase my flexibility, including getting down into the splits again. This means taking the time to warm up and stretch at home every day.  I also want to feel no guilt about taking dance class when busy at school. Dancing is an important escape for me, and I need to acknowledge that I will be a better student when I am a more well-rounded person.  I'd also like to get over some of my fear of the unknown and take drop-in classes at studios around the city to challenge myself and make sure I'm not falling into any ruts or patterns.

*  Watch more dance.  I think looking back over this blog proves that when I witness a dance performance that moves me, I am inspired in my own efforts.  So I hope to see more dance performances, this year, especially performances outside of the genres I am usually attracted to.

*  Stay positive.  This is a two-pronged effort for me.  I'm glad I looked back over 2006 and accentuated the positive, because I have a tendency to get very down on myself and my abilities.  I want to learn to accept compliments and criticism equally, instead of always dismissing complimentary comments as "just being nice."  I want to take pride in my increase in skill, instead of always focusing on what is left to learn.  I want to have a healthy body image and not fret about not having the ideal body for whatever genre, which leads into letting all the old ballet hang-ups and negativity go and just moving on as a person meant to do a different type of dance.  Dancing is fun, and I want to have a lot of it this next year!

Done.

And done.  The semester is finally, blissfully over and I have almost a month of break to rest, relax, and dance!

Reflect.

2006 has certainly been a turning point in my dance life.  It was the year I came back to dance again as an outlet and a passion.  In this year I advanced from beginning bellydancer to troupe member, and while I'm still "the new girl" and behind on some abilities, I think I have proven myself to my teacher and fellow dancers to be dedicated and desireous to keep learning and improving.  I've gotten a nice start on the zills and I think I look pretty good with a veil (although I have to hem my commercially-made ones - not made for shorties!).

In the latter part of this year I found a ballroom studio that suits me and pushes me to tap into a part of dancing and body movement very foreign to me (funny that the Western ballroom style feels more foreign than the Middle Eastern movement).  I was frustrated today (as always, my comprehension is doing laps around by movement ability) and Michael pointed out that I've only had about 20 hours of lessons - "I dance that much in two days," he said.  That's a good way to gain perspective.  I'm proud of how far I've come in "two days."  In "two days" I learned the basic patterns of the waltz, foxtrot, jive, rumba, salsa, hustle, and I'm actually getting decent at the cha-cha.  In "two days" I learned half a routine that I'm going to perform in the spring.

This year I discovered a dance/performance scene in New York I had known almost nothing about.  I've watched some amazing women fight back against society's image of the ideal female form and proudly strut and shimmy and shake.

I embraced my true dance fan (dork?) and reached out to others.  I started this blog and electronically met some truly gifted, supremely funny, and always passionate dancers across the country and throughout the world.  I've exchanged ideas, discussed failures and triumphs big and small.

It's certainly been a year: I danced at Rakkasah and didn't fall off the stage, I met Tony and Melanie and didn't turn into a blubbering idiot, I was bestowed with a burlesque name (though I haven't yet used it!) and I braved the web.  I expected too much of myself and occasionally lived up to my own expectations.  I started to let my old ballet hang-ups go.  I remembered that dance is fun, and I had a hell of a lot of it.  I can't wait to see what new dance adventures next year will bring.

Shop.

Going to a Jewish law school has its ups and downs.  Ups: balancing out that Catholic undergrad experience, fantantic pastries, and so many holidays off in October!  Downs: Kosher pizza and finals going right up until Christmas.  I've been shopping here and there, sneaking up to the Christmas Fair at Union Square and ordering lots of stuff online, but I haven't been able to shop like I like to.  I like to fancy myself a thoughtful gift-giver, but the hardest by far this year was dealing with dance teacher gifts.  This seems to be a common complaint - there was a whole thread on The Winger board about it (okay, started by me) and Swan Lake Samba Girl has been agonizing as well.  It goes back to that intimacy issue I posted about awhile back.  On the one hand, here is someone you see on a regular basis, who knows a lot about you physically and mentally, but it's still a professional relationship.  For Michael, I finally decided to go with a customized gift from one of my favorite places, Neighborhoodies.  The sweatshirt reads "bucket" in the Cosa Nostra print - quite gangster.  I explained in the card that if he ever got tired of reminding us remedial cha-cha-ers to "put your foot in the bucket" he could wear the sweatshirt and just point menacingly.  I did go with my original thought of a gift certificate to Lauren, who works the front desk and gives me all my reminder calls - unoriginal, but she liked it!  When I went to Capezio to pick it up (can't stay away) I discovered that they stock kneepads in every color, a fact I really could have used when I sifted through every Paragon, Modell's and Foot Locker in the city looking for a pair for bellydance floor routine rehearsals.

Alive.

Finals are finally winding down and I seem to have made it out alive.  One more take-home exam and I'm all done and get to go to NJ for some R&R and lots of blogging, I'm sure.  I wish finals didn't take such a toll on me, however.  I haven't been my dancing self lately, and I had to pull out of a gig last Friday (I was replaced without a hitch, so no harm done) because I felt I just couldn't put myself out there as a representative of my teacher when I was so "off."  Hopefully a new year will bring a new perspective and energy.  More on reflection and resolutions to come ...

Carnival.

The fabulous Natalia at Bellydance: Experiences is hosting a dance blog carnival.  The topic is dance-related goals for 2007, and it seems like a fantastic way to connect, reflect, and plan for the future.  I'll be posting my contribution here by December 26th, and can't wait to read all yours.  I'm sure they'll all inspire me!

Music memory.

My iPod has moods, and it wants me to listen to the music that reflects those moods.  Sometimes it feels very gay disco and plays a loop of Scissor Sisters, Cher, early Elton John, and showtunes.  Sometimes it gets depressed and exclusively plays Elliot Smith.  And sometimes it gets in the holiday spirit.

I don't keep Christmas music on my iPod, because a) who wants to hear "Jingle Bells" in August ("Dominic the Donkey" is a different story - welcome anytime) and b) I hear enough Christmas music as forced upon me starting the day after Halloween in EVERY RETAIL STORE.  But the score to "The Nutcracker" remains on my iPod all year round, regardless of the holiday connotation.

Well, iPod has seized upon what it can to reflect its good tidings of comfort and joy and is playing pieces from "The Nutcracker" just about every other song.  What amazes me is that when I hear this music, my mind immediately starts running through the choreography from the "Nutcracker" I performed year after year in my childhood and teen years.  For example, I remember the party children choreography I haven't danced in at least seventeen years, I remember the Mouse Battle I led when I played the Mouse Queen over a decade ago, I remember precisely the Waltz of the Flowers choreography (well, five years in a row and a year as dance captain - it's pretty ingrained), and I remember the choreography I never even performed, like the Cavalier's solo.  This is clearly the space in my brain that should be filled up with Criminal Procedure, but it's filled with choreography I'll never dance again.

Even when I go to see another version of "The Nutcracker," like my favorite, NYCB (though I'm also quite partial to Cleveland-San Jose), I watch their beautiful steps and get thrown off, because I'm expecting the choreography from my old company.  I'm very partial to a storyline like mine from childhood as well.  "Marie?"  No, it's always "Clara" for me.  And I love a nice, bizarre, Land of the Sweets second act - ours was Licorice ("Spanish Dance"), Icing ("Arabian Dance"), Peppermints ("Chinese Dance"), Butterscotch ("Dance of the Reed Pipes"), Lemondrops and Mother Sweet ("Polichinelle"), Orange Slices (a stolen variation from the "Pas de Deux"), and Candied Petals and Dewdrops ("Waltz of the Flowers").

Maybe I should stage a one-woman version of "The Nutcracker," with me running around performing all the parts.  At least put that occupied brain space to good use!

Crick.

I hadn't realized how much I was using dance as a liferaft to get me through the neverending suffering that is law school finals until the old neck problems reared up again.  After being totally immobilized Saturday, I felt much better Sunday and after a good night's sleep provided me by what is probably a dangerous dose of Advil, I thought I was ready to do a double bellydance class Monday night.  Everything was going well, until I went down into a backbend and my neck just went back into full tense mode.  I finished the second class basically marking anything where my head wasn't directly over my shoulders, looking quite automatronic.

Woke up this morning and knew I wasn't back to normal yet, but I really didn't want to miss my lesson with Michael, so I wrapped a scarf around my neck to keep it warm and headed out.  Got through the lesson, but expended so much energy trying not to exacerbate the injury that it was hard to focus on what I was supposed to be doing.  On the bright side, we did get through more of the choreography for the showcase, so that's coming along slowly but surely.

Not dancing full out for the last few days hasn't provided me with the release I'm used to.  I'm seeing obstacles instead of challenges.  I hope I'm back up to speed soon (early Christmas wish, Santa?).

Immobile.

In the midst of a flurry of finals and final papers right now, but managed to sneak in a dance class or two before the complete insanity kicked in.  I'm feeling more confident about my cha-cha, and for the hour I'm there I manage to forget about everything I'm supposed to be doing at my desk (well, for at least 25 minutes of the hour).  I finally "get" the check-step; not only that I remember to do it, but I'm really allowing it to stop my motion completely and give me that nice pause and settle before the next movement, which allows me to not to rush the NEXT movement, and so on.  Still fast, but not impossibly so - a big change in perspective.

Was almost falling over in bellydance - exhausted, coming off a migraine and fully medicated, and just really feeling the strain of the world.  This strain, of course, exacerbated the old neck problems, so I've spent the last two days incapacitated and unable to move my head without ice-pick-type pain.

Amazing what a visit from Mom can do, though.  Apparently I was too thin the last time she saw me, so she and Dad came bearing groceries today, which were most welcome.  And after their visit and two good meals, I'm feeling much improved and have a fuller range of motion!  Hooray for parents!